Three new scarves posted in my Etsy shop, more coming soon.
50% silk, 50% merino wool, 100% soft, warm, and gorgeous!
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My So Called Scarf (Heathcliff)
50% silk, 50% merino wool, 100% soft, warm, and gorgeous!
Cloud Around My Neck (Dark Denim Blue)
100% baby alpaca. sooooo soft...
So my Trying Something New blogpost has resulted in me being contacted privately by a few people, apologizing if they've ever made me feel uncomfortable. Thing is, they haven't. They probably have no idea what it is I'm actually referring to.
I attend conferences where the average adjusted age for maturity is about 16, where I can be standing in the lobby dressed up to go out and waiting for a friend, and listening to a group of 5 or 10 guys about 20 feet away talk really loud about the hot redhead, or calling 'hey redhead' trying to get a reaction from me (and the really stupid thing is that one of the guys knows my name). I don't ask for drunk texts saying 'we gotta hook up sometime' (no, we don't), or 'I'm out with X Y and Z and they're impressed I know the hot redhead and want you to come out with us' (which guaranteed I didn't go out that night, even though I actually enjoy the company of the people in that case). I don't appreciate questions about my personal hygiene or sex life. I don't ask to be propositioned almost every conference. I don't ask people to IM me out of the blue with a url to porn asking me what I think of the picture. I don't ask strangers in the grocery store to ask if my haircolor is natural and then go on to tell me about their personal sexual fantasies.
Some of the behavior towards me I can see how I contribute to. Sometimes I joke and talk with the guys as if I'm one of the guys, and forget I'm not. Then when someone gets a little too forward I don't respond assertively - I've always felt like I had to be nice and polite and uber-nonbitchy, so I would just change the subject or laugh it off/make a joke. This summer for the first time I told someone to @#$! off when they made me uncomfortable, and probably need to do that more often.
Those are the more extreme examples, but each one is true. I wish I didn't have so many. I haven't been to a conference as a brunette yet, but grocery shopping, going out to dinner, and generally anything I have done in public has been way more comfortable, I don't feel as many eyes on me which has been kind of nice. And it isn't that I don't like the brown or the short cut. I just loved my hair before. I'm going to have to learn how to be more comfortable being myself as a redhead and setting boundaries with people who make me feel objectified.
Mid September I had a bad couple days and in a morning driven by a desparate need to change SOMETHING in my life and feel different, I went and had my hair dyed brown and chopped off. There were a lot of reasons for this. I was really unhappy with myself, and had been a redhead for 16 years, and desparately wanted to feel different about myself. Now I'm the first one who will tell you that changing your hair won't change your life - the issues you had pre-hair-change will still be there post-hair-change. But I felt like it was the only thing in my power to change at that particular moment (because I'm still way too uptight to get a tattoo). Plus, I wanted to see if people would treat me differently (SPOILER: they did). When I had red hair I would get a lot of inappropriate sexual comments/advances from people. Friends, acquaintences, co-workers, strangers in the grocery store... It was making me really uncomfortable in public, like people weren't seeing me as a person but an object. I ended up not trusting that anyone was actually interested in me, the person inside the biological container, but that they were just saying whatever they thought I wanted to hear. I always said if I weren't going to be a redhead, I'd like to try a chocolate brown, so that is what I went to the salon and asked for.
The next morning I woke up and was startled in the mirror. And a little freaked out that the my identity, both IRL and online as KymPossible wasn't what I had known and been familiar with for so long. It definitely took some getting used to. I started wearing makeup regularly though, and I did like how the color and cut made my eyes really stand out.
So it's a month later, and what do I think of it now? The social experiement was a success and people did treat me differently, and I made a point to not dress or act any differently than I had as a redhead. That was actually pretty awesome, to feel like people were seeing me as a person. Sure, I still had the occasional guy who talked to my chest (I think a tshirt with a picture of eyes across the boobs would be pretty funny) but overall it was a lot better. It is a lot more maintenance to style, and there was a fair amount of trial and error figuring out how to make it look decent and not all foofy like a muppet. It is less maintenance (and thus less $) in color, red fades pretty quickly and the roots are visible sooner than the brown. It didn't quite turn out chocolate brown, a lot of the red shines through.
Net: I like it.
BUT.
I miss the red. I was looking through photos this morning and when I hit this one I suddenly realized that I miss my hair.
I can go back to red pretty quickly. But growing the length back out will take a couple years. I'm glad I changed it, its just hair and will grow back. And I needed the change at that moment. And I did like feeling like people were treating me like a human and not a fembot. But I miss the red. Guess I know for sure now how I look as a brunette, and know that it's pretty good and still a viable option for the future if I ever decide to grow up and look more mature (I had several people tell me the brown looked more mature and sophisticated, to which I tried really hard not to cringe and roll my eyes).
In the past I tried to be someone I wasn't in order to try and make other people happy. It was a long, hard, painful realization that I was unhappy doing that. Some women change their hair all the time and it's no big deal. But my hair was such a big part of my self identity, and I changed it so rarely (chopped it off but kept the red in 1994 and 2001, roughly a seven-to-eight year cycle) that this just doesn't feel like me. I knew it would be temporary, but I'll admit I thought it would be longer than 6 weeks. :)
It was a good experiment and I'm glad I did it. I'll miss the feeling of freedom I have now when I go out, I don't feel like I'm being hunted anymore. But I'm going to go back to red soon. Hopefully I'll do a better job shutting down inappropriate comments and advances so I can still feel like a human instead of an object to acquire.
After a night out with friends and an emotionally draining day, I slept in a bit and headed east on I84.
The drive was long but the decision not to take I90 across Washington was the right one. No offense Washington but eastern Oregon is much prettier; besides, I am not even entirely sure how many times I have crossed Washington so part of it is probably the newness factor.
The playlist consisted of a mix of songs I can sing along to. Umlaut seems a bit confused, but overall seems to enjoy the somewhat frequent stops and exploration of new smells in new locations.
I stopped at a Char Burger for lunch, the food was meh, but they had guns on the wall and more importantly pie.
The drive was long and I rolled into Boise around 10P and found a room at a hotel. Apparently everything closes at 10P in Boise (at least where I was) and the only thing I could find for dinner was Taco Bell. I must remember to pick up some bread and other easy to eat dinner foods, or otherwise eat dinner earlier.
Due to a need to sleep, I did not take off nearly as early as I thought I would. It was all good though since the plan was only to go so far as Portland, OR.
After a few final errands and good-byes Umlaut and I hit the road and headed south.
I made a pit stop at a Mount Saint Helen’s visitor center and at Mrs. Beesley’s for a quick late lunch early dinner. I am not even sure where it is, but Jennifer knew.
Jennifer is a friend who graciously said she would put me up for the night, but then had to go to Seattle at the last minute so she left me the key all the same so I could stay the night anyway.
I was exhausted when I got there; though the drive was relatively short it was emotionally draining. To know that I was driving away and though I would be back for visits, I was leaving the amazing friends I had made in my almost twelve years in Seattle.
When I arrived at the little white house on the corner I was greatly impressed by the amazing bathroom.
After taking some time to relax, I called some other friends in Portland whom I had not seen since college and we went to the Kennedy School House for a late dinner and a few beers. Though I was exhausted, I am glad I made it.
I managed to get to bed at a decent time; then stayed there until fairly late. Finally at nearly noon, I hit the road… on to Boise.
More photos available on flickr.
Today I made Tomato Tuna Melts, these are perfect for a hot night because you can microwave them to melt the cheese and since there is tomato instead of bread you do not get that weird gummy effect with the bread.
I took halved roma tomatoes emptied them out, the guts were chopped and added to a bowl with diced green apple, celery, juice from half a lemon, about 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise, ground pepper and sea salt and a can of tuna fish. After mixing it all together I stuffed the halved tomatoes with the tuna salad and then topped with grated cheddar and jack cheese. I then put them in the microwave and heated them until the cheese melted.
I served them on a bed of lettuce with some rosemary bread and cucumber salad from last night. It was a nice filling but cool dinner with a little bit of warmth in the tomato.
Since most of my stuff is boxed up in a storage unit my creative outlet has moved to food.
It has been a really nice summer in Seattle, hot, not too humid, not too dry, just overall really decent. That said though one of my favorite things to cook is chili and stews, it isn’t exactly the right weather so I have been trying a few other things.
Tonight was a Mediterranean inspired meal. I cheated on the falafel and used the “Fantastic Foods” brand that comes in a box, but made the rest. I used quinoa instead of cous cous on the tabouli which turned out really nice, though I could have increased the lemon and parsley (which just seemed really bland as far as parsley goes) a little for a bit more punch. The cucumber salad was really simple, onions cucumber, yogurt, dill. It was a nice cool dinner for a hot night.
Back in May I lost my job, a month later I moved out of my place, in the end I intend to move back east.
I’ve spent the last few years feeling over Seattle. It is a great place to live really and my friends here are probably the best I have ever had, but it is time. There is a difference between the left coast and the right coast that leaves me needing to return back east.
In the meantime I am trying to save money and get some things sorted out, so I am staying with friends. Though technically homeless, I have a nice home base spot with a room with a door and time to enjoy my summer and hang out with my friends.
Speed - This is a birthday gift for a friend who rides a red Ducati 999 superbike. 20"x20" square. His helmet is white. Jacket is black. get it?
Tonight I am incredibly aware of how fortunate I am. I am the oldest of five children, and we never had much money growing up. All of us have crooked teeth, mine had a big gap in the middle and a huge overbite. Most of my siblings refer to their teeth with the term 'snaggletooth'. My grandparents paid for me to have orthodontics when I was in 6th grade, but not any of my siblings. I don't know why they paid for me and not the others. I don't know if the fact that my orthodontist was an ass and after 3 years said it was taking longer than originally estimated and he would need more $ played a part, since my grandparents paid cash up front and we didn't have the money to keep paying, he took the braces off before I was totally 'done' and gave me a retainer with a spacer tooth in it to fill the gap he had just created a couple months earlier by having an impacted tooth extracted. It is possible my grandparents got disillusioned by that experience, I really have no idea.
Later, when I was an adult, I got braces again. I think I was 24 at the time, and paid $100 a month for a couple years while working full time and attending grad school at night. It was a lot of money from my budget, but would have been much worse if I hadn't already had 3 years of orthodontics when I was younger. Now I've got straight teeth and a great smile that I take for granted most days. But I am very lucky. My siblings almost certainly wish they had been given the opportunity to get orthodontics when they were in 6th grade. I know how horribly self conscious I was of my teeth and smile when I was younger. If I won the lottery I think offering to get them braces would be on my list of things to do. Unfortunately when I was in grad school I studied statistics and probability so I don't play the lottery though. Maybe I can strike oil like the Beverly Hillbillies...
